Turns out I wrote this “poem” almost a year ago when I was going through a really hard time with my dad’s illness. I wasn’t able to express anything that I felt out loud. I just physically couldn’t articulate any word that would potentially force my walls to slightly crack. All I wanted was for people to understand how much I was hurting, and for them to leave me alone; but at the same time, I didn’t want to share my pain and let it go because it had been the only thing beautifully carrying me through the previous two years. If this ever happened to you, or is happening, please trust that the words will come when they need to. And if this ever happens to me again and you are my friend, please know that it’s not that I don’t want to share, it’s because I physically can’t.
“It’s hard to start writing; it’s hard to start speaking
Letting the words flow out of my heart, out of my head
These words that you hold onto so hard they become your fortress,
They become the words you can only speak out when you’ve become a complete mess.
I have no talent for expressing what I feel,
I am at the bottom of the wall, a prisoner of my own mind, my own soul.
Why don’t you start talking they say?
Didn’t you ever think that the minute I do is when you’ll just walk away?
This protection I’ve built is engraved in my skin
Those words are its foundation, would you call this a sin?
Please don’t ever think I intended for life to unfold like it did
My choice was simple,
Shut up and stay strong or speak up and crumble.
I can’t speak; I can’t tell you what I really feel
Please understand that my strength doesn’t come from within
It comes from all those words I build with, the words I eat, digest and live with.
If you’re lucky you’ll catch me in a moment of despair
A moment my body reaches out to get some air
A moment my heart wants to break free
A moment my head just won’t let me be.
I know one day those worded walls will crumble,
But for now, my only choice is to mind the fall.