Dear Diary: IT’S THE END OF A DECADE

– from riches, to grind, to inheritance.

Yes, the time has come to reflect. Yes, it’s near. The end of the decade is here! – what a poet Alix…

If I even start to try and analyze this past year, I’ll probably start hyperventilating. 2019, you have been a weird and rather shitty one to say the least. But let’s first look back at some of the main points of this decade. I definitely invite you to do the same!

I started blonde, I’m now a read head
I lost 10kg, only to gain back 30kg through depression and self-sabotage
I got told I needed to stop working out my legs because they looked too                         muscular
I got told I looked good when I was working out my legs
I moved from Paris to Wales to Paris to Brussels to London to Brussels to Montreal to London to Paris to London
I travelled to many new places and countries
I fell in love, out of love, got screwed over, feel in love again
I graduated from a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree in International Hospitality Management
I worked a lot, especially for others, not so much for myself
I discovered what unconditional love really was through my dad’s illness
I took risks and felt alive
I played it safe and I got anxiety
I achieved my goal after graduating in less than 3 years, only to let it all go before true recognition with no regrets
I started working out and discovered I loved it
I stopped and realized it’s not that easy
I thought I knew who I was, turns out, I have no clue.

This decade tested me more than most people I know. The start of it was so different from what the end actually is today that it scares me. At the start of this decade, I had just turned 18. Needless to say that when you’re 18 you believe the world owes you because you’re “an adult” now! Well, let me tell you, adulthood only fully struck me when I turned about 25; when I started being asked questions that would impact my life on subjects I didn’t even know existed – and here I thought this was only reserved for physics and math classes… silly me.

If we backtrack the story slightly – slightly meaning 10 years ago apparently, back when I was moving to Wales for a 6-month internship with a few school friend; this is when I discovered the importance of staying true to my “self”. I was 20 and life wasn’t so hard up to that point. Basically, within two weeks from arriving I had lost all my friends, found love and started a job I really enjoyed. I won’t get into details of everything that happened but let’s just say it could have been “Mean Girls 3” at the time. To this day, this is probably still some of the meanest words I ever heard about me, coming out of a friend’s mouth. Not to say I didn’t deserve some of it, not to say I did either. But through this I realized how much I wasn’t willing to compromise my truth for anyone else’s. I grew up from some of the comments, made more mistakes, had a horrible and amazing time altogether. This is when I left teenage hood. It was December 2010.

No photo description available.
2010: Alix probably drunk in 2010…

I think I got my first glimpse of adulthood when I found myself hysterically crying on the phone to my dad on a bench in Montreal. I was 22 and had graduated a few months back, and all my life, I had been led to think that the whole world was waiting for me. After all, what do you say to a bunch of “upper middle class” – LOL to this term…  white kids whose parents pay a rather decent chunk of money for their kids to get “proper private” education? – “No Charles you fat shit, it’s not because Mommy and Daddy did well for themselves that you were magically born smarter than the rest. If anything it’s the opposite so pipe it down. Don’t get me wrong, I always felt different than most of the people I grew up with but I never had to struggle either and I’m ever so grateful for that. However, I did grow up oblivious to most of this world. So back on this bench in Montreal, when after graduating from a Master’s I could only find a job making pizzas, life struck me hard, and I’m glad it did. That’s probably the first time I realized this life business might be slightly harder than anticipated! This was September 2014.

2014: Skinny Alix working at that pizza place…

The next turning point would be when I got told my dad’s cancer was back. I was again hysterically crying on the phone to my best friend – no I don’t cry on the phone that much… Up to this point, I had always thought that this cancer “period of time” would just be a blip in the time zone, and that it wasn’t going to affect my future more than it already had. I can still hear her tell me “it sounds like you are taking this worse than the first time”; at that moment, life as I knew it was over. More than a year after the first diagnosis is when I truly understood my dad was sick, and this moment decided my future pretty much up until now. I was 25. This was March 2017.

2017: Alix trying to look human despite everything..

Finally, my most recent shift into adulthood was when I knew my dad was gone – I just started typing about it all, only to realize I’m not ready to share all those details yet (but hopefully I will be one day). I am still dealing with the trauma and everything that came with the last days events, but just know that this was the most magical and beautiful experience I’ve ever lived. This was the 22nd June 2019, and in a way, and through all my life, he’s never felt more present to me than since this day; believe it or not.

2019: Last picture of my dad and me on our daily walk, doing stupid faces.

This decade wasn’t so much about me as it was about breaking into good old ADULTHOOD. I leave this decade full of pain, sadness but also hope. I am thankful for all the things I learnt, all the people I met and the memories I made. I rejoice in the simplest of things and I appreciate what is, more than what can be. I wasn’t planning on this post to be this deep, so many apologies if all you expected to find was a few stories and jokes! This decade took and gave me many things. To say I wouldn’t change a thing would be a lie, but if this is the way it was meant to be, I’m curious to find out why.

Happy New Year and New Decade to you reader! Remember time waits for no one, so don’t wait on it to be happy!

With Love,
Alix

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: