As I sit here in the garden, thinking I would catch a ray of sunshine midst quarantine whilst writing my next blog post; I find myself wanting to write this quick “Dear Diary” check instead.
You might not be aware but I started my journey to become a qualified coach roughly two months ago now. I can honestly say I have thoroughly enjoyed the process so far, and working towards establishing my brand on my own has given me a sense of purpose long overdue.
Today, I celebrate the first EVER time being paid for a coaching session –and it feels amazing! So, as my mum starts crying of joy on the phone, I start telling her exactly what I know my dad would say: “Je suis sur le cul Alix!” –yes I am French remember!– literally translating to: “I am on the ass Alix”. A very elegant French expression which basically means: “I can’t believe it Alix”. And as I pronounced those words, I found myself getting a sudden rush of conflicting emotions all mushed to form a ball of bittersweet happiness.
I guess on the one hand, I felt annoyingly comforted by the thought of knowing what my dad would say, coupled with a strange feeling of his presence as I said those words out loud. On the other hand, a rise of buried sadness emerged as my brain acknowledged his undeniable absence. To put it simply: Grief is a bitch.
I started wondering what my tears were really about.
I can’t help wondering if this is a new feeling I need to get used to or if it will pass. A feeling I can only explain as “uncomplete happiness”.
I don’t mean to be depressing, I just want to be as authentic as possible and share my reality; hoping someone somewhere can relate.
If you happen to relate: Please do let me know if this feeling is still present for you? When did it manifest? Have you become familiar with it?
With love always,
A.
Let's own and live our truth 