Dear Diary: The bittersweet taste of grief

As I sit here in the garden, thinking I would catch a ray of sunshine midst quarantine whilst writing my next blog post; I find myself wanting to write this quick “Dear Diary” check instead.

Garden view @alixevergreen.photography


You might not be aware but I started my journey to become a qualified coach roughly two months ago now. I can honestly say I have thoroughly enjoyed the process so far, and working towards establishing my brand on my own has given me a sense of purpose long overdue.
Today, I celebrate the first EVER time being paid for a coaching session –and it feels amazing! So, as my mum starts crying of joy on the phone, I start telling her exactly what I know my dad would say: “Je suis sur le cul Alix!” –yes I am French remember!– literally translating to: “I am on the ass Alix”. A very elegant French expression which basically means: “I can’t believe it Alix”. And as I pronounced those words, I found myself getting a sudden rush of conflicting emotions all mushed to form a ball of bittersweet happiness.
I guess on the one hand, I felt annoyingly comforted by the thought of knowing what my dad would say, coupled with a strange feeling of his presence as I said those words out loud. On the other hand, a rise of buried sadness emerged as my brain acknowledged his undeniable absence. To put it simply: Grief is a bitch.

I started wondering what my tears were really about.
I can’t help wondering if this is a new feeling I need to get used to or if it will pass. A feeling I can only explain as “uncomplete happiness”.

I don’t mean to be depressing, I just want to be as authentic as possible and share my reality; hoping someone somewhere can relate.

If you happen to relate: Please do let me know if this feeling is still present for you? When did it manifest? Have you become familiar with it?

With love always,
A.

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